Everything I am
by Asulli
Summary: Jess returns to Stars Hollow 8 years after seeing Rory last in hopes of winning back her love. But is there room for him in her new life? Alot has changed
1. Jess's Return

**A/U: This story takes place almost 8 years after the last episode. Jess and Rory are about 32 years old throughout the story.**

Jess Mariano looked out his car window as he drove. He had just passed the sign welcoming him to Stars Hollow and he felt as though he had just passed through an invisible force field as he felt a wave of memories wash over him. He hadn't really been around much. His mom, TJ, and Doula had often come to Philly to see him and he had even seen Luke a few times over the years. He really had no reason to return to Stars Hollow since that day at Truncheon when Rory had kissed him. That ultimately seemed like their ending or at least...it should have been.

About three months after her graduation at Yale, the entire family was dragged to Cape Cod for Luke and Lorelai's wedding. Jess had been given the privilege of being the best man and accepted his role with a smile. His wedding toast consisted of something like, "Finally!". Short, simple and to the point. Since he saw that kiss between himself and Rory as being their last, he wasn't as nervous to see the girl again. But when he arrived and saw her in that blue bridesmaid dress that matched her eyes, he melted and he realized that he still loved her even though he shouldn't.

At the reception they spent a lot of time talking about anything and everything. They had so much history that a book could be written. Maybe it was because they drank a little too much or laughed a little too often, but one thing led to another and the next morning they awoke in each other's arms without a care in the world. Both realized that this couldn't happen and that in mere hours the bliss of the night would fade away as reality took its place. Jess was still working on making it big with Truncheon and Rory had only started her journalistic dream three months prior. Neither had time to put the time and effort into the long overdue relationship so when Jess kissed her one last time before boarding the plane, tears fell but eventually things returned to normal.

Jess realized that though he loved her with all his heart, she deserved more than what he had to offer and that if he ever returned to Stars Hollow, he'd never be able to leave again. That was nearly 8 years ago...

Now, as Jess drove through the square, his blue VW Jetta filled with the necessities, he thought of how crazy he must be. By now she must be married with kids or something, right? She'd be crazy to want him back after all this time. But Jess Mariano hoped against hope as he parked in front of the Diner.

He looked the place over. It hadn't changed a bit. As he opened his car door, he was welcomed with a rush of cold winter air. He quickly stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets and ran inside. Once inside the diner, his eyes searched for Luke but he was nowhere to be found. He shed his jacket and scarf, hanging them on the back of his chair before sitting down. Before he could even take a second, nostalgic glance at the old place, a little boy wearing a visored beanie and a Luke-style blue flannel approached him with a pen and pad.

"What can I get ya sir?" The little boy asked hopeful, his blue-green eyes shining. Jess studied him for a moment. He was rather short and scrawny with dark shaggy brown hair peaking out beneath his beanie. He was a really good-looking kid and was definitely a Gilmore. He saw both Rory and Lorelai in this one and smiled. Jess knew that Lorelai and Luke had a son but hadn't seen any pictures since the kid was maybe a year old.

"Hey," Jess said nicely, "I think I'll have a doughnut." The little boy went to write it down before stopping abruptly.

"Are you sure? It's danish day you know. We have cherry and apple." The boy said with a Gilmore grin.

Jess chuckled. "Okay, I'll have one apple danish please." The boy looked pleased and scribbled something on his pad of paper before leaving. Jess watched as the boy climbed onto a stool and grabbed an apple danish, set it on a plate and brought it back to Jess, setting it in front of him.

Jess smiled. "Thanks. Do you know where Luke is?" The little boy smiled and nodded excitedly.

"You know Luke? You look familiar but I've never seen you around here...He's on his break, I think he might be at home. I'm here with Caesar doing my shift." He replied proudly. Jess grinned.

"Yeah, Luke is my uncle. Which would make me related to you in some way or another...I'm not sure but you can call me Uncle Jess if you'd like." Jess said kindly. He had never really gotten along with a kid this much and it almost surprised him.

"Hiya Uncle Jess. My name is Shane." The little boy smiled approvingly and tore off Jess's receipt, handing it to him. Jess took it but was surprised to see "Apple Danish, $1.25" written on the paper. Jess hadn't met very many five year olds that could write so well. Wait...was Luke's kid even five? No...seven maybe eight? Eh forget it.

"Wow, nice handwriting little man. You must take after Rory." Jess said, not really thinking much. This kid reminded him so much of his purpose here in town. He wanted to find Rory more than anything and see what her life was like now. "Do you know where she is? Does she still live in Stars Hollow?"

"Of course she lives here! She's at work right now though. Five days a week in New York City. It's really big there! She took me once and showed me her work and took me to really cool places like Washington Square Park!" Shane went on and on and just at the mention of his hometown, Jess felt as if Rory had gotten a job there because of him, maybe subconsciously.

"Hey Shane, can you do me a favor? Don't tell anyone that I'm here, okay? I really want to surprise Rory. She and I are old friends." Jess explained with a smile. Shane smiled and nodded as Jess got up and put his jacket and scarf back on.

"Bye Uncle Jess!" Shane said with a giant grin as Jess walked out. He loved meeting new people but now really wanted to tell his Mom about it. But Jess had said not to tell anyone. Maybe he would never know, Shane thought before spotting another customer. He shrugged it off with a smile before he continued helping the new customer.


	2. She will be Loved

It had been a long day as Rory Gilmore climbed into her car and began to drive home. Getting back home to Stars Hollow was the highlight of her day and thankfully she was always home by a decent hour. The car ride between Stars Hollow and New York City was a long one and she often found herself thinking.

Today it was Jess Mariano who was invading her thoughts. No, who was she kidding? Everyday on her way home from work, Jess was on her mind. She hadn't seen him in years and the Christmas cards that had come never seemed like enough anymore. They had made it a tradition that at Christmas, each would send a letter summing up their year with a picture enclosed. Unfortunately last Christmas she hadn't gotten a photo of Jess because his camera had broken. It was nearly Christmas again and although it wasn't a lot, Rory was looking forward to Jess's letter.

For some reason, today she missed him most. Maybe it was the soft snowfall that fell much like it had the night they were together; maybe it was the soft XTC song playing in the background. Whatever the reason, Rory began to really miss her Jess and desperately wanted to see him now more than ever. It had been so long and now that her life was finally in some sort of order, she longed to see him. But then again, seeing him would mean blending their lives together. They both knew it which is why the distant had been so great for so long. The timing wasn't right and as Jess had said before, "_It is what it is."_

It is what it is. Rory let those words fill her up again and wondered how she would let him be apart of her life again after all that had happened. Even if by some crazy chance he did want to be with her still, she kept a secret that was all hers; a secret that could very likely change everything about the love they felt. Rory Gilmore kept a secret from Jess that would probably break his heart...she only hoped that maybe he would understand it all and forgive her.

She sighed and turned the music up as a London Calling by The Clash started playing, allowing herself to get lost in the music rather than dreaming and worrying of a future that may never arrive on her doorstep.

–

Jess Mariano stepped into the small hotel bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror and grimaced, running a hand through his hair. He remembered when he used to spend nearly and hour gelling up his hair. Luke always got so angry with him. Jess smiled at the thought. He stopped caring so much about his hair years ago and it just fell where it wanted to now. It didn't by any means look terrible, it just wasn't the look he had gone for all those years ago. Now it was just short cut on the sides and back and a bit longer on top and in the front.

He walked back into the room and grabbed the blue long-sleeved henley from his bed and pulled it over his head. He grabbed his black jacket and his leather notebook and headed out the door. Once outside, he pulled his jacket closer to him as he walked through the lit up town. Before, this place had been hell but now...it seemed like home. And if it wasn't he wished to make it his home again. The soft snow fell and as he walked, his eyes caught the diner. He saw a sleepy Shane being smiled at by Luke and packed up. Lorelai was there too. Jess watched as she kissed Shane's head and picked him up. It looked like Lorelai was about to head home with Shane so Jess picked up his pace and shortly found himself at Larson's Dock.

He sat on the ledge, letting his feet dangle over the frozen surface. His breath looked like smoke in the frosty air and he remembered coming to this bridge after he and Rory had been in that car accident before they were even together. Luke had found him out there smoking a cigarette in the cold air and attempted to comfort the stunned teen. Jess remembered that before Luke had shown up, he had been crying softly. Nothing compared to the pain he had felt that night ans he remembered his fear of losing her from this earth.

He opened the little leather-bound notebook that he had brought with him and began to scribble his letter for fer. She was probably looking to receive his letter any day now just as previous years and he knew that she waited until his arrived before she wrote hers. This letter would be different though, it would be left on her doorstep waiting for her and she'd know that he was in town, waiting for her even when he wanted nothing more but to run to her and be hers. In reality, he was tired of waiting. He wanted her to be his and this time, he wouldn't screw it up.

As he finished, he stuffed the letter into the envelope and flipped it around, writing her name on the front and stuffing it gently into his pocket. Jess had a plan, a rare occurrence for him considering he was more of a spur the moment kind of man, but this time he did. If she was available, this gesture would definitely make her swoon at least a little. _A Gilmore hath no other option but to do so at such a romantic and knowledgeable gesture such as this,_ Jess thoughtpoetically.

Jess Mariano took one last look at the beautiful scene before him; the snow falling softly, the frozen lake, and the bridge that held many memories for him before he turned on his heel and started making his way back to Luke's.

–

Rory Gilmore unlocked her front door and sighed in relief when she was welcomed by the warmth of her house. She shed her jacket and shoes and set her laptop bag on the coffee table. Her house was empty and she sorta liked having her Friday nights being relatively vacant. Ever since her grandfather had died about four years ago, Friday night dinners had been put on hiatus. Every other Sunday night though, Emily had come to Lorelai's house and they all sat in for a Gilmore-Danes dinner/movie night. Things had changed a lot since Rory was in High School, and even college. Her entire world was so incredibly different than the way it had been in those days. Life was so simple back then. She had no major responsibilities and always had someone to take her mind off the pain when it occurred. For a long time now, her family was her support, not a boyfriend like before.

Rory walked into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee but realized that she hadn't gone to the store to get any yet. "Damnit..." she muttered under her breath before sighing deeply. She plopped down onto her couch and turned on the TV, flipping through channels in an attempt to find something good to watch. She came across Almost Famous and decided to watch it. God how she had hated this movie! But ever since she and Jess stopped seeing each other, she always felt obligated to watch it when it was on. He sighed loudly and grabbed the phone to order some Indian food, remembering Jess's comment on how she'd have to burn the house down afterwards because that was the only way to get rid of the smell. She laughed softly at the memory.

–

Jess entered the Diner and saw Luke making a fresh pot of coffee behind the counter. He sat at the counter and picked up a menu, putting it in front of his face so that Luke couldn't see him. He snickered quietly to himself.

"Do you know what you want?" Luke asked Jess, treating him like any other customer seeing as he didn't see it was his nephew. Jess smiled and put the menu down.

"Well, well. Uncle Luke, how are you these days?" Jess spoke vibrantly, unlike he had as a teen. Luke smiled brightly and laughed a bit.

"Jess," he said with delight, "How have you been? Why are you here? No..wait...I'm glad you're here. Luke rambled. Jess smiled at his uncle.

"I've been alright, and thanks. I'm glad I'm here too. It was getting lonely spending Christmas all by myself every year. Plus Chris wanted to stay with me this Christmas which nearly gave me a heart attack. I had to get outta there." Jess said laughing a bit. Luke nodded and smiled before realizing that Jess had not been in Stars Hollow since...oh God. Luke remembered suddenly that Jess could not be here...could he? Did Rory know he was in town? Luke was silent in stunned thought.

"Anyways," Jess started, not paying much attention to his uncle's silence. "I came in earlier today to ask you a question but you weren't in. I met Shane though, he seems like a good kid. Luke's jaw dropped and Jess laughed. "What? Did you think you could hide the kid from me forever? Don't worry, he won't turn out like me at all. No offense but he has way more Gilmore in him than he does Danes." Jess smiled.

"Jess..." Luke started, but Jess cut him off.

"Well I'm on somewhat of a mission. I need a large coffee to go and Rory's address please and thank you." Jess asked indifferently. Luke stared at him before saying alright and pouring his coffee and writing out Rory's address out on a napkin for him.

"Are you going to talk to her?" Luke asked stupidly. Jess nodded.

"Something like that. Don't worry though, I promise I won't cause any trouble or drama or anything. I'll be good." Jess said, shooting his uncle an old smirk he hadn't seen in years. Luke forced a nervous smile at his nephew, handing him the coffee.

"Good Luck Jess." He said whole-heartedly. Jess was already on his way out the door and Luke watched as he walked away with what seemed like a skip in his step. Luke closed his eyes tight before reaching into his pocket and calling Lorelai.

Lorelai answered the phone after the second ring. "Hello husband! Are you coming home soon?" She asked brightly. Luke loved that about his wife. She was always vivacious and beautiful. But he couldn't focus on that, he had something to tell her.

"Lorelai...Jess is in Stars Hollow..." He said uncomfortably.

–

Jess approached the house that matched the address. It was a beautiful house and Jess knew that Rory was happy in such a place. He smiled and placed the letter and the coffee on her doorstep.

"You will be mine, Rory Gilmore." He spoke softly to himself. He then rang the doorbell and ran off, hiding behind a tree about a hundred feet away, watching as she opened the door with confusion. God she was so damn beautiful. All he wanted to do was run up and kiss her but he knew that winning the girl over takes time and effort just like before. He watched as Rory spotted the coffee and the letter. She reached down, picking them both up and she must have noticed Jess's handwriting because she gasped and looked around, but seeing nothing in the dark, she sipped the coffee and rushed back inside. Jess smiled to himself and shoved his hands into his pockets before making his way back to the hotel.

She would return to him. He could tell just by her reaction to his letter and the coffee. Nothing could stand in the way of fate and Jess knew this with all his heart. When he got back to the hotel and began typing away at his laptop, typing the next chapter of his newest novel but to him it seemed as if he was typing the next chapter of his life, only he had to be careful because he couldn't afford to make typos, not after so many years.


	3. Your Artful Dodger

**Author's Note: I posted a couple promotional posters for the story on my page. I think you'll enjoy them :) Tell all your Gilmore-fans and thanks for the reviews guys!**

Rory Gilmore stared at her name on the letter. There was nothing that implied that it had been sent through the mail, meaning that it was delivered. Luke must have seen Jess lately and it was handed off to give to her, right? That seemed logical but then again it didn't. Luke wouldn't have set it on the doorstep and run, that was more Jess's style. How was this explainable? Was he here, in Stars Hollow? A twinge of hope arose in her chest but she forced it back down quickly. If he was here then they would have to talk and soon. Rory carried a secret from him and they'd have to talk soon.

But putting off the letter wasn't going to solve anything. It could very well be a letter telling her that he was in town but didn't want to run into her. She had no idea so she opened the letter slowly and gently and began to read Jess's scribbled words. As she read, she could almost hear what she imagined his voice sounded like, reading the letter to her softly:

_Dear Rory,_

_By this point, you've already realized that this letter did not come in the mail like previous ones. I did not send it to Luke to hand of to you as I have for years. No, this one was hand-delivered by yours truly._

_I want to start with saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that when I last saw you I agreed to let you go. I'm sorry that I didn't push to make it work instead of letting us go our separate ways. That night was the best in my life and I've thought of you everyday since. I miss the way you're beautiful blue eyes sparkle at me when I laugh, the way your nose crinkles and your eyebrows lower when you're mad. I miss your laugh, your flawless skin, and your perfection. For seven years, one month, and thirteen days, I've missed you and all that you are._

_About a year ago, I met a man by the name of Charles Kent. He was about twelve years older than us and diagnosed with lung cancer. He came to me with a book he had written. I read it from cover to cover and the mistakes were many even though the substance was amazing. I told him that it would take months to edit and publish it. He told me that if it wasn't published, that would be fine, he simply needed somebody to read it and get something out of it. I told him the amazement I felt from the words he had written and we spent hours talking about life. I made it my goal to publish his book no matter what. We spoke often until he had heard my entire life's story and I his. 6 months later, the book was published just as Charles was admitted into the hospital. I visited him every day until he died 3 weeks later. The last conversation I had with him was one of substance even from a dying man with little to no energy to move let alone think completely. He told me, "Jess, close your eyes and let the world around you fade away. Forget all you know and all that you've been through. I want you to imagine a world where you can have only one thing. Everything else is shit, what one thing would you want to keep you sane, happy." I was quiet for a moment, eyes closed, doing what he had asked. Suddenly it hit me and my eyes flew open. He smiled. "So tell me; What do you want?" I looked at him with blurry eyes. "Rory…" I said softly. Charles looked at me indifferently and nodded. "I know. My dying wish is that you get all that you want Jess Mariano. So when you're ready to accept the fact that the two of you are destined to be together, your ass better be in Stars Hollow, convincing her of the same thing." And that was our last conversation._

_I want you to know that for years I have been lost, feeling as if no one understood me or what I wanted, including myself. Do you know what I mean? I believe that you do actually…I think that right now you're making a mental pro/con list on whether or not you and I are meant to be anymore or if too much time has passed. I also believe that right now the pros are outweighing the cons. I want you Rory Gilmore, there is nobody else I wish to spend my days with and I never want to be anything but yours._

_And look…I've gone this entire letter without using the "L" word yet. But, if we're being honest with ourselves, I believe that I do still love you...and I don't think that will ever change Ror. I want a second chance to make things right and be with you. I'm in town, staying at a hotel where the Independence Inn used to reside. You can find me there when you're ready. Or you may find me reading Charles Kent's book out on Larson's Dock, typing away at my keyboard somewhere, you never know. But know this, I will stay out of your way until you tell me otherwise. I don't want to overstep and make your world uncomfortable. If you haven't found me to talk in the next three days, I'll leave, no questions asked._

_But I sincerely hope that you do find me, that we talk, and that everything falls beautifully into place in the world around me. Stars Hollow is a beautiful place and I no longer view it as hell but as home. Merry Christmas._

_Love,_

_Your Artful Dodger_

Rory put the letter down on the coffee table, stunned. His letter last year consisted of how things were at Truncheon, some buddies, his haircut, and a list of songs that she just _had_ to listen to. She realized now that the whole nonchalant attitude he seemed to have while writing these letters have just been a front, an attempt not to blow his cover by admitting that he still had feelings for her. Not just feelings…more than that. She took in a deep breath and knew that a conversation was in their very near future. She'd find him tomorrow, she promised herself.

Just then, her cell rang and she stumbled to answer it. "Hello?" She spoke clearly as if nothing was wrong, as if she hadn't just read that the man she's been dreaming of wants her back.

"Hello!" A cheerful little voice sung into the phone. Rory smiled at hearing Shane's voice. It sounded deeper over the phone than in person.

"Hey Shane, what's going on kiddo?" Rory asked conversationally. She could almost hear Shane smile into the phone.

"Nothing really, I just wanted to call and make sure you were having a very nice Friday. I just had smores, they were delicious!" The young boy went on in a very Gilmore-way. Rory smiled.

"I bet they were!" She said excitedly, the way most speak to children, "I think I'm about to go to sleep but I'll see you at Luke's for breakfast in the morning, right?"

"Of course! I promise to be extra hungry!" Shane said excitedly. He loved Saturdays because of their breakfasts at Luke's together. It seemed as if weekends were for families only and Shane loved that. His voice got lower and softer. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight baby." Rory said softly, matching his tone.

"I love you Mommy. See you in the morning." Shane said into the phone with a smile.

"I love you too Shane and I'll see you then." Rory said with a smile as she closed the phone. She let out a sigh. How do you tell the man who wants to be with you that you have a son that you've casually left out of all the letters? Rory bit her lip in thought. She'd figure it out…but for tonight, she needed sleep. So she crawled into bed and drifted away, letting sleep take over her body.


End file.
